Salam All!!
it has been months since i’ve posted here on this blog. life got crazy and busy and i ran out of energy for writing. but tonight i logged into my account and noticed that i need to share something.. it's been haunting me ever since last week and this feeling doesn't seems to stop. now, i feel like i need to get my story out, as devastating as it is. thanks for reading and caring, my sweet soul readers...
i am going through losing my forth pregnancy and i'm devastated. everything was looking great with the blood tests. but on last Monday i felt severe pain i had in my lower abdomen. i had also been bleeding heavily that day and felt like something was wrong. the doctor claimed that i had a 'GASTRIC' and the medication given. i'm taking the medication on time to avoid the pain but it still consistent..
the pain was consistent and got more severe if i moved so i ended up laying down all day but on the next day, it became more intense and when it brought me to my knees.. Mr. hubby ordered me to go with him to a different hospital. there, they confirmed i was pregnant and my HCG (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin) levels were doubling every 24 hours. they took a ton of tests, including blood-work that did confirm i was pregnant. but they didn't know why i was having the pain on my left side - it was too early to see anything on the ultrasound and they figured i was miscarrying (owh.. not again). the horrible stupid emergency doctor sent me home and told me to rest but also said that if it was an ectopic pregnancy, there was a risk of me going home and bleeding to death. we didn't have a choice so we went home. i was petrified. Mr. hubby of course, was strong and told me everything would be okay. but the doctor in charge set me an appointment on Wednesday at 2pm with Dr. Faizal.
on Wednesday morning, i couldn't bear the pain and Mr. Hubby sent me to the ER. i had to wait so long to know what is happened to me and my pain. the doctor on ER also didn't have the answer. they couldn't tell me on the ultrasound since i only was about 5 3/4 weeks at that point. they ran a bunch of tests that came back inconclusive. they were concerned that the pain was mainly on my left side and told me about the risks of an ectopic. they're very rare (only 1-3% of all pregnancies) and happen when the baby grows somewhere other than the uterus.. usually, it's on or in a fallopian tube. they couldn't see anything in my tube at that point so although it was a concern, they warded me and told me to wait until the expert do the checking. so they could run more tests to see if my numbers were doubling still, to check if the baby was still growing. i was terrified and didn't sleep for that time. wondering if my tube was going to burst and i would bleed to death.
finally on 3.30pm, the expert came and they ran more tests. they could see something in my uterus on the ultrasound - so a baby was where it should have been. however, they were still concerned about the pain on my left side and also saw something suspicious there as well but couldn't make it out on the ultrasound. ectopic pregnancies usually can't be seen on ultrasound since fallopian tubes are so small and the only way to know for sure is by surgery. i didn't have any of the risk factors for an ectopic pregnancy and since they did see something in my uterus, they were nervous to do surgery as that would end the life of the baby in the uterus. Mr. Hubby and i cried and talked about it a lot and i told him i just knew something was wrong. we decided to have the surgery. the doctors told me they didn't think they would find an ectopic since i didn't have the textbook symptoms and said my chance of losing my tube was low.
my cousins and sisters came up to the hospital and a few hours later, i ended up having a laparscopy and d & c. during the surgery, we lost what they think was twins!! one of the babies was growing where it should have been, in my uterus!! but was probably miscarrying since the other was growing in my fallopian tube.
unfortunately, they had to remove the entire left fallopian tube to save my life, as it was on the verge of bursting. when i woke up from the anaesthesia, and Mr. Hubby told me what happened.. i was in hysterics. why did this happen?? why did they have to take my tube?? it was a true nightmare. then, they printed out pictures and when i saw them, i was shocked.. you could see this huge sausage-looking fetus right in the tube. it was so expanded, it looks like it was ready to explode.
since i didn't have the risk factors, the doctors told me it was just "bad luck" but were glad that i listened to my intuition. should Mr. Hubby and i have chosen to do forgo the surgery, they said i probably would have died in the next 24 hours from the blood that was already pooling in my abdomen and the tube bursting. on a positive note, they told me my pain tolerance threshold is insane, since most people would have fainted/been operated on days ago from the pain. so i'm kind of proud of that.
as you can imagine, since i didn't even know i was pregnant until last week in the hospital, this has been quite the roller coaster. i'm sad for everything that we've lost but am thankful to be alive. Mr. Hubby and i pretty shaken up but we know things will be okay in the end. everything happens for a reason and this is just a roadblock we'll have to go through. the sun will come out from behind the clouds soon and i just keep telling myself that there are so many worse things in life that could have happened. and the doctors are completely confident that we'll be able to start and have a regular family in the future.
they told me the right tube could take over, even if i ovulate from my left but i just keep thinking that this is yet another difficulty we will add to the mix of infertility. it's so depressing and i am trying not to cry all the time. i'm trying to be strong and the physical pain is one thing but it will go away soon. the emotional pain is something Mr. Hubby and i will have to deal with for the rest of our life and Thank Allah, at least we still had Danieya. Our little miss sunshine. but don't give up hope..
prayers and thoughts are much appreciated. i never thought this would happen to me.. it's like a surreal nightmare and i just want to wake up.
unfortunately, they had to remove the entire left fallopian tube to save my life, as it was on the verge of bursting. when i woke up from the anaesthesia, and Mr. Hubby told me what happened.. i was in hysterics. why did this happen?? why did they have to take my tube?? it was a true nightmare. then, they printed out pictures and when i saw them, i was shocked.. you could see this huge sausage-looking fetus right in the tube. it was so expanded, it looks like it was ready to explode.
since i didn't have the risk factors, the doctors told me it was just "bad luck" but were glad that i listened to my intuition. should Mr. Hubby and i have chosen to do forgo the surgery, they said i probably would have died in the next 24 hours from the blood that was already pooling in my abdomen and the tube bursting. on a positive note, they told me my pain tolerance threshold is insane, since most people would have fainted/been operated on days ago from the pain. so i'm kind of proud of that.
as you can imagine, since i didn't even know i was pregnant until last week in the hospital, this has been quite the roller coaster. i'm sad for everything that we've lost but am thankful to be alive. Mr. Hubby and i pretty shaken up but we know things will be okay in the end. everything happens for a reason and this is just a roadblock we'll have to go through. the sun will come out from behind the clouds soon and i just keep telling myself that there are so many worse things in life that could have happened. and the doctors are completely confident that we'll be able to start and have a regular family in the future.
they told me the right tube could take over, even if i ovulate from my left but i just keep thinking that this is yet another difficulty we will add to the mix of infertility. it's so depressing and i am trying not to cry all the time. i'm trying to be strong and the physical pain is one thing but it will go away soon. the emotional pain is something Mr. Hubby and i will have to deal with for the rest of our life and Thank Allah, at least we still had Danieya. Our little miss sunshine. but don't give up hope..
prayers and thoughts are much appreciated. i never thought this would happen to me.. it's like a surreal nightmare and i just want to wake up.
Alhamdulillah.. Alhamdulillah.. Alhamdulillah..
Thank You Allah For This Life =)
notes : *What is an ectopic pregnancy?*
If a fertilized egg implants outside the uterus, it's called an ectopic pregnancy. About 1 in 50 pregnancies is ectopic. There's no way to transplant an ectopic (literally, "out of place") pregnancy into your uterus, so ending the pregnancy is the only option. While there are some risk factors, an ectopic pregnancy can happen to anyone. And, because it's potentially dangerous for you, it's important to recognize the early signs and get treatment as soon as possible.
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